Alone – I still want connection but I’m scared and I’m not willing to take big risks. I prefer being comfortable (being safe) rather than experiencing difficult emotions.
Why are people stuck in single’s purgatory?
When someone is stuck being alone, often they don’t know how to take emotional risks anymore. Especially not deep emotional risks. It’s too easy to hedge your emotional bets and live with an eye towards the next better person or connection or experience.
So why invest in the person or people in front of you and have to deal with the emotional challenges that come with building deeper relationships. You can’t have depth without investment. So we’re at a crossroad. With investment you’re saying no to other options. That’s a real challenge for many because the “what if” is so strong. Well you’ll never know what’s down in the depths unless you dive in. When you’re in deep, it takes time to adjust. We can’t rush deep dives either entering or exiting. Both cause distress. This is tough in a world of “I want it NOW.”
How do we break out of the habit of “I want it NOW” and develop the muscle of patience. Patience allows for the body/mind/spirit to develop and gradually integrate deeper dives aka deeper connections. When we don’t know how to train the muscle for patience sometimes people express desperation, panic and the urge to settle. The muscle of patience allows us to continue to invest in ourselves and allows us to take risks that ensure we connect with those we want. Even if we don’t connect and we are taking risks, we know this dive is not going to work and we move on.
The Value of Rejection
Let’s focus on rejection for a moment because rejection is a gift! When you take a risk you give the person you’re connecting with an opportunity to say yes or no. Based on their response you begin to learn things, such as does this person have the emotional intelligence that I’m looking for in a relationship? Is this person as authentic as I am and do they value me as I am? Some people definitely won’t fit with what you are looking for and by taking emotional risks you don’t waste weeks, months, or even years with incompatibility. Rejection is a gift if I am also skillfully reflecting on how some of these rejections unfold. By taking risks and embracing rejection you begin to see patterns in people, instincts begin to sharpen, and you get a better sense of what you want and how you are going to go about getting it.
This is in comparison to hedging bets and constantly looking over your shoulder. By doing these things you actually learn how to hide and be alone even while with others. In the process you are more likely to attract people who are also alone and okay with hiding. This is when we end up finding people who want to be alone together which will create serious problems sooner rather than later and greatly diminish joy in connection, life, and intimacy.
What to do
I feel alone when I don’t trust people to support me and I don’t believe the world will protect me, only I can protect myself. To challenge that belief I place myself in spaces where people are intentionally and authentically acknowledging me. Such as a men’s/women’s group or therapy. Putting myself in places where I will also feel skilled beyond just my professional life. Committing to learning new things that are communal directly challenges “alone”. Prioritize these things, they are important, and then show up consistently.
- Seek spaces with intentionally supportive communities
- Be thoughtful about spaces that are intentional, but the message is “I’m here but still alone..”
- Places that are open to life.
- Meditation communities that intentionally adds social time
- Activities that are mutually supportive and interactive
- They teach you how to remain open when challenged in connecting with others.
- How to collaborate and create playfully with others.
- How to have a more relaxed and playful relationship with physical touch and intimacy
- Finding communities where you are learning skills and languages that can be spoken in many different cities all over the world (Dance)
- Create community through skills you want to develop or are curious about.
These are all parallel skills to having healthy and fun relationships – friends, romantic, etc. These skills help you play with relationships in a low stake environment so you can practice.